Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
