you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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