We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
