he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
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I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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