I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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