Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
