She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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