is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
