dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
