There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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