I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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