Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
