Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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