Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
