Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
