I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
