I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
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Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives