and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
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how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
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It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole