I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
