I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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