shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
