If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
