There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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