Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
