I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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