...so i touched it.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
