is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
