oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
