I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
