just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
