I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
