a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
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it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
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