I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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