I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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