Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
