I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
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so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
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I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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