i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
