Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
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It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
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I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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