I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
