You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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