i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
