my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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