dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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