I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
