you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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