No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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