Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
