I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
