so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
