Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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