Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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