new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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