I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
