Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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