I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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