God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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