If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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