hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
