were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The adults are the big ones right?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
