ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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